Conversations – Before and After

“You know how people say, ‘if they could take your pain, they would…” my friend says.

“Yeah,” I reply. I wish I could give him my migraine.

“Yeah, I don’t want it. I’m not one of those people,” he laughs.

“Asshole,” I give him a good shove for that one. I press my cold fingers against him and he cringes.


“Take my headache for me,” I complain.

“I would if I could,” the same friend replies.

“Thank you,” I reply softly, grateful.



It was pure overstimulation. I drove home with the setting sun in my eyes and then with headlights.

When I finally laid down, my head was aching, throbbing. The cars racing down the road felt like they were crashing into my ears. The soft light from every streetlight felt like a super nova against my closed eye lids. I was keenly aware of every scent. My hair, my pillow all smelled too strongly. My soft fleece blanket irritated my skin, it made me feel trapped under it. I shivered and I sweat at the same time.

I’m sleeping over at my friends, in their bed. I sit up and sigh. My feet dangling over the plush carpet.

I walk into the living room and dig in my bag for something, anything.

The clicking of my medicine case sounds like thunder in the quiet room. I’m beginning to sniffle, tears escaping, rolling down my hot cheeks. I brush my fingers through my hair, tugging on it briefly to draw me out of my head.

I’m here, not in there.

I hear someone else get up in their apartment. I walk to the bathroom for a sip of water. I stumble in and lean heavily on the sink. There is a soft night light on the wall above the sink. I rip it off the wall, laying it down next to the outlet. The room falls into complete darkness. The highway outside their apartment is hushed. I can finally breathe.

I stand there until I lose track of time. I dig my toes into the rug on the ground, thinking about laying down in the cramped bathroom. I can’t do that.

I head back to bed, crawling in next to them. I turn my back to them. I lay my head back down my pillow despite it feeling like a rock. I close my eyes and try to sleep.

PCOS Update

I have had PCOS for a few years, well diagnosed for a few years now. When I menstruate, I can fell the cysts swell with fluid. I can feel them from the outside of my body when I probe around my sides. When they burst, the pain ranges from mild to severe. I’ve had cysts pop and I thought my appendix had burst. The only reason I knew it wasn’t, was because it was on the wrong side.

I found more cysts, on my left breast. They react like the cysts on my ovaries, they swell when I menstruate. I haven’t had one burst yet there. If it’s anything I learned from having them burst in my ovaries, I don’t want to have one burst in my breast.

I was doubled over in pain, doing homework, spewing jibberish to the friends I was suppose to help.

I’m going to the doctors on Sept. 10th so the cystic breast is on my file.

It’s either I go on higher level birth control and deal with the headache side effects, or I can stop birth control and deal with cysts filling, emptying and bursting.