Thoughts

I feel more like a broken record than ever before.

I have mixed feelings about it. I’m happy that I’m voicing my pain, my discomfort. I’m not only acknowledging my pain, I’m acknowledging that there is a problem. “I don’t feel well.” I’m saying more than just that. I’m saying that I have a problem, that it’s not normal. I shouldn’t be this way.

But, at the same time, I feel like nothing is changing, like I’m not doing enough. I don’t know what else I can do though. I take my medicine, I sleep, I watch what I eat. I don’t know what I else I can do but feel I should be doing more. This is me feeling like it’s my fault, that I need to fix this some how. I’m just frustrated. I’m so frustrated that’s it’s been so long and nothing has changed and I’ve been trying so hard. I don’t know what else I can do.

I have people who care enough to listen to me say these phrases over and over again. I’m grateful for that.

But – like when you say a word over and over again, it loses it’s meaning; the phrases lose their meaning. I’ve experienced it before – when people stop believing. I’m scared of that, another invalidation of my pain. If I don’t say anything, then I don’t know – I don’t have to worry about them believing me or not. I don’t have to be judged for my management methods (or lack thereof). I don’t have to worry about the other reactions. I think I want sympathy but that doesn’t always happen. I’m scared when that will happen. It’s beginning again.

I say I don’t feel good and I get this look. It’s that ‘you always have a headache’ look. I know they can’t do anything but saying something just helps – it pulls me out. But I get a look, it’s a look of annoyance. I don’t know if it’s at me or my head or both. But me and my head are the same. Annoyance with my headaches is annoyance with me. Sometime it’s sympathy, sometimes it’s not. Maybe they’re just as frustrated or annoyed they can’t do anything either, or if they’re annoyed with me.

It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault. But I get all of the blame. I deal with all of the consequences. I have pain but I feel like I can’t talk about it without being annoying, without bothering someone (who isn’t being paid to listen to me). I feel like I’m bitching. All problems are valid, and I can’t say mine is worse than someone else’s.

I’m a broken record.

I don’t feel good. My head hurts. I don’t feel good. My head hurts. I don’t feel good. My head….

WE KNOW. i know.

I’m frustrated. I’m exhausted.

I just want to be better.

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2 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. I totally understand the meaning of words just kind of fade. I just stop saying I have a migraine or I don’t feel good because I hate inconveniencing anybody. I hate when people say we’ll try this or try that or well you have tried everything, it’s like yeah thanks captain obvious I’d just like now some pain relief! Emily I pray all the time that the doctors/scientists will come out with a medicine that came treat you and I so we can get on with our life because it’s frustrating as all get out! People saying eat this or maybe if you sleep a little more just don’t get it, and it’s sooooo annoying and I’m so tired of it! I really hope the Botox works for me, so far I don’t feel any different in fact I feel way worse and my vertigo is about ten times worse so idk it just sucks right now. Sorry for the long rant, but I totally get it so you can always message me, I’m on your side:)

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  2. This sounds pretty typical of the ‘sufferer’ point of view. We don’t want to burden others. We see those annoyed looks people give us. What can we do, though? We ARE always in pain. We ARE often suffering! It isn’t our fault. It’s also not THEIR fault they aren’t in our shoes.

    I’ve found a pretty decent solution to the issue. It’s to find a friend with the exact or very similar issues and have vent sessions. Both of you can whine about the pain, whine about not being taken seriously, or being ‘blamed’ or those annoying feelings of guilt etc. I find that when your audience is someone who’s BEEN in your shoes, they won’t be giving you those annoyed glances unless it’s very clear that the annoyance is at the pain itself, and sorta like ‘would you leave my friend ALONE already!? She’s suffered enough, don’t you think?’

    I have this kind of friend, so I’m lucky. We are both pain sufferers, with a lot of overlapping symptoms. I’m never annoyed by her venting, and she can stand mine. It almost becomes a funny, ironic or sarcastic comedy act between us. We belittle and mock our pain as if it’s its own entity. Childish as it may sound, it somehow *does* help us make it feel just a wee bit less HUGE in our lives.

    Yes, it takes a special kind of friend to have this situation work out. But if you can find people, even online who understand your specific suffering, it can help immensely. We’re here. Obviously there are people reading your posts, likely suffering or understanding your exact issues. United we stand.

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