Burnt Out

I feel like I stuck a fork in an electrical socket. My hair is on end, pulled straight and out from my fingers running through it. I know I’m overwhelmed but keep telling myself I am underwhelmed. That I need to do more.

School started. I am always intimated by the work load when I see everything I have to do. I get anxious, thinking I have to get everything done as quickly as possible. I completely disregard the fact I have three months, a whole semester to complete everything.

I worked before my first day of school. I only worked for 4 hours but it was enough. Waking up at 6 am, going to work, going to class and coming home around 5. When I laid down for bed at 9, I was too tired to sleep. I was just cranky and mad at myself.

I worry about my headaches, work and school. I don’t know how to balance them all out yet. I can barely balance headaches and school now I’m throwing a part time job on top of that.

Life Update

I got a job, like a real life job. I’m working in the deli at the local supermarket. It’s not hard but it’s a lot of time on my feet and a lot of repetitive tasks. I’m too short to really see over the counter so I have to stand on my toes a lot. My legs, feet and toes hurt more than anything else really. My head has been quiet – I guess only one thing can hurt at a time. I did have one headache at work – stress induced.

I keep being asked if I’m okay at work. I guess I have that slight “not home” look perfected. I always say “I’m fine” and move onto the next task.

Some people are asses. Some are really sweet. It’s customer service.

School starts next week. I have two professors I’ve had before. They both have given me two of my lowest grades so far. I’m a little worried but now I know what to expect from both of them and to do better. I’m worried with working and studying and my head. It’ll be the first time my head isn’t at least a part time job. I’ll be going to school full time and working at least weekends and maybe evenings.

I’m trying to be optimistic but am still anxious at the same time. I have a tendency to crash and burn.

Thoughts

I feel more like a broken record than ever before.

I have mixed feelings about it. I’m happy that I’m voicing my pain, my discomfort. I’m not only acknowledging my pain, I’m acknowledging that there is a problem. “I don’t feel well.” I’m saying more than just that. I’m saying that I have a problem, that it’s not normal. I shouldn’t be this way.

But, at the same time, I feel like nothing is changing, like I’m not doing enough. I don’t know what else I can do though. I take my medicine, I sleep, I watch what I eat. I don’t know what I else I can do but feel I should be doing more. This is me feeling like it’s my fault, that I need to fix this some how. I’m just frustrated. I’m so frustrated that’s it’s been so long and nothing has changed and I’ve been trying so hard. I don’t know what else I can do.

I have people who care enough to listen to me say these phrases over and over again. I’m grateful for that.

But – like when you say a word over and over again, it loses it’s meaning; the phrases lose their meaning. I’ve experienced it before – when people stop believing. I’m scared of that, another invalidation of my pain. If I don’t say anything, then I don’t know – I don’t have to worry about them believing me or not. I don’t have to be judged for my management methods (or lack thereof). I don’t have to worry about the other reactions. I think I want sympathy but that doesn’t always happen. I’m scared when that will happen. It’s beginning again.

I say I don’t feel good and I get this look. It’s that ‘you always have a headache’ look. I know they can’t do anything but saying something just helps – it pulls me out. But I get a look, it’s a look of annoyance. I don’t know if it’s at me or my head or both. But me and my head are the same. Annoyance with my headaches is annoyance with me. Sometime it’s sympathy, sometimes it’s not. Maybe they’re just as frustrated or annoyed they can’t do anything either, or if they’re annoyed with me.

It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault. But I get all of the blame. I deal with all of the consequences. I have pain but I feel like I can’t talk about it without being annoying, without bothering someone (who isn’t being paid to listen to me). I feel like I’m bitching. All problems are valid, and I can’t say mine is worse than someone else’s.

I’m a broken record.

I don’t feel good. My head hurts. I don’t feel good. My head hurts. I don’t feel good. My head….

WE KNOW. i know.

I’m frustrated. I’m exhausted.

I just want to be better.