Lately I’ve been very anxious about my migraines and my future. The constant cycle of “I’m doing all right now but what about tomorrow?” running through my head. The ache when I’m in the classroom terrifies me. When I’m a student and when I’m a student teacher. The student teacher ache scares me more because I can’t immediately take care of myself, those kids need my full attention. I’m worried what it would look like if I tried to sneak away to take some tylenol. I’m worried that the lights will be too bright, or the kids too loud. I’m scared that I’m going to stumble over my words, seem like an idiot.
I’m worried my friends will get sick of it, of them, of me. It’s happened before, where they stopped believing me and turned me into a liar in their eyes. I’m worried I’m going to be alone again with the headaches and migraines.
I’m worried I’m not going to be able to process how headaches fit into my life, into my identity. I’m managing them but they’re pushing, hard. They’re pushing and pulling and I’m going to give sooner or later. And I worry about that moment.