I finished where I expected – 4 A’s and an A-. I’m reminded again that I do better than a lot of students despite the migraines and headaches. There are students who are perfectly healthy, no ailments whatsoever who do not do as well as me. I fight migraines, headaches, asthma, PCOS, depression, and anxiety on a daily basis and still manage to do this well. It’s not perfect but it’s better than what I could do without trying and letting things fall to the wayside time and time again.
I feel I can not relish in this accomplishment however. That’s thanks to the depression and anxiety and the constant hum of “what if’s” running through my head. I hate it but I can’t quiet it. What if I didn’t have headaches? What if I didn’t have the migraines? The depression? The anxiety? What if in high school I wasn’t so horribly lost from depression and constant pain that I actually gave a damn? I could have went to Penn State rather than the dinky little state college I attend now surrounded by cows and corn. I love KU with all my heart, I love everything about college, the people, the professors, the material, the atmosphere of the university and the incredible opportunities I have received by going there but I still wonder. I could have moved further from home, I could have gone anywhere. I wouldn’t have been tied home by migraines, and doctor’s offices. What if I would have gotten that A instead of an A-. I could have a 4.0 but I have a 3.9. I feel jaded by it. The sharp edges of that three cut me. If I wouldn’t have missed that day of class, I would have gotten an A. If I wouldn’t have slept all afternoon one day, I could have studied more and gotten an A. I can’t go back and change the past but I remain bitter. What if? What if? What if?
My winter depression settled in not too long after my birthday. I am perpetually cold, my hands and feet always chilled. I have to bundle up in layer to remain warm. A combination of this chill and complete exhaustion send me back to bed to find rest and warmth. I am only warm when I am under a number of blankets. I cannot spend winter break under blankets staring at my phone screen however. I made so many promises to myself how it is going to be different but day 2 and I find myself settling into my old ways. I want to read all the books I picked up, I want to watch all the movies I have queued but I’m too tired and cold to remain upright.
Mental illness is stigmatized in my home. My mother doesn’t believe in it. If I were to seek some sort of therapy, I would have to go about it independently. It is offered on campus but only during the fall and spring semesters. I’m thinking about going back. It’s been a year since I stopped going. I worry myself into idleness, frozen to act. I put it off and put it off until the end of the semester and it’s put off until the next semester.
I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday for the gyno. The cysts on my ovaries are becoming a nuisance again, and I haven’t been menstruating. I’m just glad that it’s not for migraines again.