Last Saturday, I had a small party with some friends for my birthday. We mostly sat around the fire and hung out all night. It was nice to be able just to sit down and hang out without having to worry about homework or anything else. Whenever we meet any other time, there are numerous textbooks or a screen between us as we scramble to finish work before class, only making idle conversation between the quiet hum of the library, the clatter of keyboard keys and the scratching of pens on paper. I didn’t have an awful headache, a side effect of the cymbalta. A high point for the week.
This week has been a series of ups and downs. I don’t know how the day will be when I wake up, in a slump where I feel tired and numb, I do not know if I’m on my way down or back up. I won’t know until later when I’m on one end of the spectrum. I am entire bursting with energy or a void, sucking energy from everywhere around me like a black hole. I can either not keep still, every part of me in motion or I am so still that there is only the occasional gentle rise of my chest as I breathe and a subtle slow blink. The only time I feel normal is when I’m in between and my head is aching a little bit. I’m not bursting full of energy but acting more like a machine, moving with purpose. The highs and the lows are pain free, the middle has low to moderate pain. I have not had a big episode in a long while but the threat is still looming on the horizon. I wait for it.