Very Inspiring Blogger Award

very inspring blogg

 

Wow! Thank you Shokubutsujin for nominating me for the Very Inspiring Blogger award. I’m not sure how inspiring my blog is but thank you!

Rules for accepting the Very Inspiring Blogger Award:
1- Thank the amazing blogger who nominated you, with a link back to their blog.
2- List the rules and display the award on your blog.
3- Share seven facts about yourself.
4- Nominate other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they’ve been nominated.

 

Seven facts about myself:

1. My middle name was briefly Adam.  I think Emily Adam sounds much cooler than Emily Anna but alas it was never meant to be when my parents corrected my record.

2. I am 5’2” and am enternally annoyed with that. I had a growth sprout in 4th grade, hitting 5’2” and that was it. I’ve been this tall since I was 10.

3. I am a clutz, a huge clutz.

4. I like to bake when I’m bored. Over the summer we had an abundance of zucchini in our garden and I made a lot of zucchini bread and tried some interesting recipes.

5. I am a night owl.

6. I am a big sci fi nerd. My favorite sci fi program is Doctor Who. Ten is my favorite doctor!

7. I am “allergic” to some metals and jewelry, especially cheap jewelry. My skin turns green and wherever the piece sits, aches and locks up (if its a joint) the next day.

 

The people I’m going to nominate inspire me to continue to write, to share my story by sharing their own and their honesty on the subject of pain keeps me honest and without them, without this blog, I would feel so incredibly alone.

1. Elizabeth

2.TGA

3. Mara Migraine

4. Sian

5. Michael

 

I want everyone to know that they are a continuous inspiration, even if I somehow forgot you in this list that you inspire me. This great community keeps me going, keeps me strong as I remember that I have a place where I can honestly share my experiences, my thoughts, my fears, anything and then have it received in such a warm positive matter still amazes me. There are no words to stress how incredibly alone and isolated  I was before I opened this wordpress account and began writing. The one thing I could only ever possibly hope to strive for would be to inspire others the same way you all do me.

Thank you.

 

 

Solid Ground (Weekend Update – One)

First week of school is complete. There is a long weekend ahead of me, a much needed chance to relax and get a head on some homework.

My classes are great. I’m taking World Lit, Oral Interpretation, African American Lit, Linguistics and Principles of Learning this semester. World Literature is basically literature from all over the world, it excludes American and British lit which is covered in numerous other classes. We started with a bit of French literature this week. Oral Interpretation is more like a drama or acting class than a literature class. It fulfils my theater requirement so it’s pretty much what I expected. African American Lit is basically what it says on the tin. My professor is really cool, she gave a great lecture on Wednesday on identity. It really resonated with me as I recently accepted the labels of “migrainuer” and “disabled” when I began this blog. Linguistics is interesting and I have a couple friends in that class as well. We have a good time. Principles of Learning is one of my major education classes, I really excited to get into the content and get into schools to observe and potentially teach.

I was spooked on Monday, my first day. My head was suspiciously quiet. I had a migraine on Friday and dumbly made the comment “if I’m doing this today, then I should feel pretty good come Monday.” Come Monday, when my head was quiet and I was expecting something, anything, I became spooked. What I got out of the experience was that I can’t enjoy the low pain days because I fear them almost as much as I do the bad days. It’s the waiting, waiting for the pain to come back. I’m waiting for it to be bad, to punish me for thinking so dumbly that I could be normal. It’s like noticing all the background noise is gone. The one thing that took me a long time to admit and even longer aloud is that I miss it when it’s gone. Not being in slight pain doesn’t feel right, it makes my skin crawl. It’s like sensory overload. The slight bit of pain dampens things. It’s all I know.

The pain and the silence are equally isolating. At least when the pain is high, my mental health doesn’t take a nose dive. The quiet and new stress from school did a number on my anxiety. I worried the first two days of class to the point of exhaustion about various things, my migraines and headaches, about homework, and telling my professors about missing class in the future because of migraines. The anxiety manifested as needless worrying.

I’m having a lot of particular anxiety about Jefferson. With my head being suspiciously quiet, I wonder if I should cancel my appointments and apologize to all my doctors for wasting their time. The big deal I make about my migraines and headaches seems to pathetic and unnecessary when I’m well. It’s always one extreme to the other. I trivialize my head when I’m well, feeling something akin to embarrassment for the fuss I create. But when I’m stuck in bed, I feel like I need medical attention then and now. As the scale tips from one to the other, I’m slammed into either wall. I feel like I’m losing my mind, like the pain I experience while being in my head, is one of my own creation with no physical ailment, that I’m creating this. These thoughts infiltrate my mind when I’m well, when the very real pain is a distant memory. The well spell has been long enough that I listen to these anxiety induced whispers. I’m beginning to wonder, while I do not have a lot of free time, if I should make time to go back to therapy.

I’m still trying to find the balance between migraines and school. I’m hoping I find it sooner than later. I’m hoping my grades do not take a nose dive before and following my appointment and any subsequent treatment like they did in the spring when I had a spinal tap. I am missing solid, flat, steady ground.

Professionalism

“If you don’t show up, that’s unprofessional. If you are late, that’s unprofessional,” my professor lectures. She doesn’t care about us being late for the lecture, or not showing up, she is talking about being late or not showing up to the school’s we’re being assigned, for observation.

I swallow, hard. She left an attendance policy out on the syllabus. I try to rationale the situation, what she just said. Migraines don’t count, I can miss if I have a migraine, I think, desperately.

For knowing this particular professor for three years I never talked to her about  my migraines. On the first day of class, two days ago, she asked us to write a little something about ourselves. I wrote ‘has migraines, blogs about it.’ I’m not sure if she looked at them, maybe she did.

What I just thought slammed into another long held rule I have for myself. I never miss class for headaches or migraines, it’s not allowed. I do not allow myself to miss class for this. If it’s up to me, I go. It’s usually my mom who has to bully me back into bed either at the door or on the phone. I am so hell bent on doing this that I completely disregard self care and mental health to do this. That’s the cost.

Does having migraines make me unprofessional? By my professors definition, without the little asterisks indicating that I’m an exception, if I have a migraine and can’t get through it I’m unprofessional. If I’m late or a no-show my disposition as a future educator is reevaluated. I can be as professional as I want, as I need to be but if the migraines and headaches get in the way, happen at the right time then what? Is it unprofessional to be trapped in bed, eyes squeezed shut, hands clapped over the ear plugs? It is if it happens on a Thursday between 6 and 11 am.

It’s slowly dawning on me that I might not be able to be an educator and a migrainuer at the same time.

 

 

Conversations (19)

I’m picking pieces of fruit out of the bowl as my mom cuts the watermelon up.

“I was watching Dr. Oz earlier,” she says. I internally roll my eyes. I turn to the fridge and pull out a bottle of water. I’m leaving the conversation before it can even start. “You know what you’re supposed to do for headaches?” she asked me. “No,” I’m still puttering around the kitchen for whatever reason, I probably should have went back to my room. “You’re supposed to…,” I cut her off.

“What, wish really hard?” I snap. I’m sick of hearing it, drink this, eat that, don’t eat or drink this. She looks affronted, how dare I say that about Dr. Oz and his afternoon TV show? I leave the kitchen, busying myself in another part of the house, still annoyed.

Conversations (18)

“Which leg did you put through your pant leg when you put on pants this morning?” I hear my mom asks.

I pull out the headphone and look at her.

“Neither,” I reply and look down at my pajama shorts from the night before.

“Which do you usually?” she presses. I look at the book in her hand. Squinting, I look at the title. “Home Health Remedies and Superstitions for Pennsylvania German People?” I ask, reading it aloud.

My mom pulls her glasses down from her head, “It says here, ‘if you would prevent headache, or toothache,” she looks up to see if I’m reading. I roll my eyes and she giggles, “you must form the habit of putting on your right stocking first, your right shoe, etc.”

I roll my eyes again.

“Hey,” she starts, “you nev-,”

I stand up from my desk, “no, get out,” I herd her out of the room, “get out,” I repeat.

She continues to laugh as I close my door.

(August 2014)

End of the Summer Wrap Up

Classes begin on Monday at 10 am.

I’m conflicted as to whether to brand it as a good summer or a bad summer.

Back in May, I wanted to get something done about these headaches and migraines. I feel like I haven’t accomplished that. I have a tendency to set the bar pretty high and the level of success depended on others, not myself. I know I can accomplish any goal I set for myself, even some lofty goals. I wanted to end summer by being better. That didn’t happen. I don’t know if that will ever happen. I wanted to do Jefferson over the summer so I would have time to explore as many treatment options as possible. That didn’t happen. I go on September 10th, two weeks into class. Having to miss a day of school to go there was the last thing I wanted to do. I am limited in my options because of this. I can’t do a couple of the options (inpatient or any that involve multiple visits) they have because of class.

I wanted to get a job at the beginning of summer. That didn’t happen either. The migraines and headaches deterred me. I convinced myself that I didn’t need a job. I justified it by calling my choice self care, that a job would cause unnecessary stress and I would be unreliable because of my head and doctor appointments.

I didn’t take any classes over the summer because they weren’t any that interested me, and none that I needed.

But I did some good things this summer. I hung out with good friends, bonfire every chance I got, laughed, and stargazed. I’m happy about that. I started this blog. I think that’s the greatest accomplishment of the summer. I reached out to others on the internet and found others who experience the same thing I do. I stuck with the blog, kept writing and reached out to others. I shared my story with others who have migraines and others without migraines. I connected with migrainuers and broke stigma with people without migraines, giving them a glimpse into life with migraines, that it’s not just a headache – that it’s more than a headache. Writing this blog has helped me a lot too, sharing my story, connecting with others, and feeling not so alone with my head pain.

So, I’m going to chalk it up as a good summer, focusing on the good parts rather than where I fell short on recovery. I made progress on recovery – setting up appointments in the future and moving onto another doctor, and forming bonds with doctors I have now. I’m going to remember the nights where I laughed, stargazed and spent time with friends and family. Good things are still yet to come.