Am I Stupid?

I ask myself this a lot. Let me explain, I have no doubt in my intellectual capabilities; my academic performance proves I am not stupid. I question my actions. Last semester I missed 1 class. Somewhere down the line I decided headaches are not a valid excuse for missing school. I only had class 3 times a week, all five classes scheduled on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I’d be in class from 9 until about 4:30. That’s not bad, a full day – sure. I commute to school. Kutztown is about forty minutes from my house. It’s a nice commute through the country on back roads; I pass more cows than cars. Was making the choice to commute stupid? I can’t drive most mornings. I don’t trust myself not to give up and crash. My mom drives me. That puts a burden on her, even though she says it doesn’t.  I have three options; I can stay home, drive myself, or have someone else drive me. If I stay home I’m missing class which I hate and find unacceptable. I can drive myself, worry about spacing out and aggravating my headache even more and having a headache all day and have a difficult time driving home come 4:30. Or I can have someone else, my mom, drive me. I don’t have to worry about driving, I don’t have the extra stress of driving on top of the headache and I am able to rest an extra forty minutes on our ride home. I could still live on campus, there would be a fifteen minute walk back to my dorm, I wouldn’t have to worry about driving. Was it stupid to move back home, to commute for 40 minutes to school?

Another action I question is going to class some days. I rarely miss class. The only reason I can say I never miss class is because I missed class one time last semester. I drove that day. A bad headache came on and dissipated after a combination of Vicodin, lunch and lots of water. I called my mom, told her what was happening and she told me to drive straight home because there was no way she could come get me and the car until after 5. I weighed my options and drove home. I missed class. I beat myself up over missing that one class where I knew we were doing nothing. I hate missing class because of headaches. I take it as a personal loss and chalk it up as a win for the headaches.  I have the same thought process every time I consider missing class. I could miss class and get nothing out of that time. I would miss any notes, any discussion and I would be marked absent. All my classes took attendance. If I went to class, I’ll get some notes in my messy scrawl and hope it’s enough to jog my memory. I’ll listen on in discussion but not really understand it. What it boils down to is a mark in my teacher’s attendance log. I was there that day and that’s what counts. I could either stay home entirely, working from home that day, and spending some extra time in bed. I could be on campus and decide not to go to class. But where would I go? There are a couple comfy spots in the library but it wouldn’t be the same. I have some friends on campus who would let me crash at their dorm but I feel uncomfortable doing that. So I just go to class when I probably shouldn’t. I pick academics over taking care of myself. I suffer through fifty minutes block of teaching, under harsh lighting while someone talks at me when I could be at home in my bed and I call it “the least I can do”. Is that stupid?

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